So I dated this guy for two years. He was my first boyfriend (and currently only). He was the sweetest guy. A musician, extremely attractive, so innocent, so perfect.
Then, out of nowhere, almost a year into our relationship he turned weird. He was always arguing with me. Calling me bad names. I honestly hated myself. He made me feel terrible. And then on our one year anniversary he just turned into a complete monster. We spent that day together. We went on facebook and he was on this girls (who was my friend) page and started on her status about stupid goat cheese. I thought it was funny, thinking nothing of it at that time. The next day, he accuses me of cheating on him. ME.A girl who has never had feelings for anyone else in her life. And then proceeded to break up with me.
Two weeks later he "took me back". I shouldn't have been the one to be taken back. He should have knelt on his damn knees for forgiveness But no. Thats not all. I later found out that he liked this girl, and another girl from work. There names were Emilee and Amber. I found out that he was flirting with Emilee on our anniversary, and that the whole next couple months that we were together he was flirting with both Emilee and Amber. I even remember, on August 17th of 2012, that he texted me saying exactly this.
"I love both you and Emilee. And I like Amber. I'm sorry. Goodnight."
He's lucky I didn't dump his sorry ass right then and there. He even told Emilee, (because I was moving) that after the summer was over he would be breaking up with me because during the summer that I was moving he didn't want me to feel like everyone was leaving me. Yet they all did. Last August, after our first Skype session, He started flipping out because he didn't like the quality of the video and that "the flickering of it" made it hard for him to deal with me and then he called me a bitch and a slut. Still. I did not break up with him.
And then finally, on my birthday. He decided to go all around my old school and tell everyone I was pregnant, even though never in my life, had I done anything remotely close to sex. Never. And that night, apparently his mom is to blame for this, he broke up with me. On my birthday. On my SWEET SIXTEEN. When I was in a brand new place where I had no friends. No family. No nothing. Only my cat, my parents, and my sister. I had lost everything.
But that all happened last year. Not until about two weeks ago had we talked again. He emailed me and said he was sorry and that through all the girls he dated, that I was the one that he really wanted. I being as stupid as I am, accepted his apology and began talking to him again. He was so sweet. Until last night. He ignored me ALL freaking day. And then when he never answered I texted him saying "K, Goodnight" and he responds immediately with how I'm so impatient that I cant wait "20 minutes" for him to answer. I'm just like, K dude. Whatever. Go PMS all over someone else. I'm not answering you until the morning because I told you I was going to bed.
When I woke up this morning I told him that I wasn't being impatient and we both apologized to each other. But then he seemed distant, so I decided to give him space and he's just like "K, bye".
Fuck him. Watch me ignore him for fucking forever now. He's an ass. Don't know what I EVER saw in him.
He shouldn't have worked so hard to get me, just to let me go.
And I also found out that he was the one who cheated on me. I'm not going to be anyones second choice.
Sorry for this rant. I just had to put this somewhere before I had a mental breakdown.
The only way I get through life the way I do is through music. Below are some artists that I will forever support and love with my life. They saved me, when noone else could.
Demi Lovato Paramore My Chemical Romance Fall Out Boy Panic! At The Disco Flyleaf The Used Three Days Grace Evanescence We Are The In Crowd Green Day Avril Lavigne Falling In Reverse The All-American Rejects Black Veil Brides Escape The Fate Framing Hanley Halestorm Jimmy Eat World Orianthi The Pretty Reckless Rise Against Secondhand Serenade Sick Puppies
Those are just a few of the artists I love. Music can save lives, It is very powerful. I hope one day I can be as powerful as these people. I hope someday I'll overcome myself and be a role model to others.
Lately I've been feeling so low. Like I have no idea what I'm thinking, or where I want to go. I feel like doing nothing, wasting away to a nothing. I hate being near people. I hate talking to them. I hate having to deal with there shit. They make me feel horrible about myself. Especially the people I should be closest to.
I've harmed myself. I've dealt with Ana and Mia themselves. Those ungrateful bitches. When really they're my bestfriends right now. Theyre the only people who can make me who I want to be.
I honestly can say I hate myself. I hate who I've let myself become. I mean come on. I failed my state test. When I really, honestly tried so hard. It really isnt my fault though. My teacher gave me the wrong time. It's not my fault I only had an hour to complete it when everyone else had three. It was my stress and anxiety. If it werent for that, I would have not freaked out, forgotten everything, and not have left half of the test blank. I mean, who does that?
And people now adays. Do they have no sense of guilt. Calling people names. Being genuine asshats. Why must they distort others visions of themselves? Why? Do they find it funny when someone finds a bestfriend out of something that can kill them? Do they want to see the blood dripping from their wrists. Do they want to savor every last bit of tears that fall from their face? I will never understand people.
This is what you have done with me, society. This is the perfectly capable young girl that you have ruined. And I will continue to ruin myself until I can feel again.
This morning, I woke up to horrible news. My best friends had texted me telling me to go on My Chemical Romance's website. I went on, thinking they had announced the release date for MCR5. Much to my despair, it was the complete opposite. I had learned the cold truth. The band had announced they were splitting.
This band has been with me for years, we even share the same birthday. I will write more about my experiences with this band in a little bit. But for all of the MCRmy recruits out there who are as devastated as I am from this loss, remember:
We'll carry on, we'll carry on And though you're dead and gone, believe me Your memory will carry on, you'll carry on And though you're broken and defeated You're weary widow marches on
This is NOT The End. I know all of you out there have a Bulletproof Heart. We'll make it through this. <3